It has been more than a decade now since I underwent brain surgery. So, I can reflect on the times that passed by.
I felt very much left behind in life, although I tried my best to keep pace with it. In the midst of all these hard times filled with experiences, which were better kept to self.
I have been blessed in life in many ways – knowledge, certificates, degrees earned, awarded, or honored while walking through the darkest valley of life.
Despite my good recovery, there have been the ups and downs of life – the pain, the relapses, the lonely days at home, and adjusting to my second -choice world.
Yes, the second-choice world that I did not choose.
However, life cannot simply stop here even if I did not earn since I did not have my regular income, in the land of the living.
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13
How to Abide in Christ When You Feel Alone After Brain Surgery?
In the land of the living, there are times it is hard to live a day. The expectations of others cannot be met.
While you were in the hospital bed, it is understood that you were unable to work. Yet once you’re out of it, which is a good thing for a person, there are certain expectations.
Since I no longer have my regular job and have limitations in working out, it has been a difficult phase all along.
The pain, for a man, you do not want to be grumpy, but there are tons of things going on in the mind. However, there were quite a few listeners who would understand. Thus, there is a feeling of loneliness in the heart.
Let me admit here that there were times when a thought that is unbecoming of me nor of a believer did enter the mind. Yet by the grace of God, I did not work that out, which made me still living today. I praise God for that!
Abiding daily in Christ:
In the times of loneliness, the need to abide in Christ daily is not an option one can choose from many, but the only one and the right thing for a thinking mind to try its best.
I am not the best of a believer in Christ, but his abiding grace hides the dark side of me. Like every person, I am born a sinner with the desire of the world, who is not kind, but has an inhumane soul in me.
However, it is the grace of the Lord that keeps that side of me hidden or controlled to some extent. However, I am still unable to control some of it, so I often remain silent instead of speaking out all the negative thoughts in my mind.
Yes, there were times when it was very hard to remain optimistic, especially when I did research on my kind of neurological disorder.
Tackling being alone:
Since I have to remain indoors, in the hospital and at home, for quite a long time, this sense of loneliness creeps into the mind.
You simply nodded as if in agreement with whatever is said about you during those periods. The Christian books that I had read in my pre-teen or early teens first came to my rescue.
I have to go through some of them again to get renewed strength from God. The words in my dreams, the Bible verses that can be followed up during the day, often reminded me of the faithfulness of the Lord God.
Thus, I too had decided to slowly put out my experiences, although I am not as well-articulated as before, on paper. It later on turned into blogging and then into several of my books.
Inspiration from the Psalmist:
The Psalmist has become my best go-to place in the Bible, although I have to cross-reference with several other accounts in the Bible.
The honest and raw emotions, the friendship, the hope in suffering, the praise at the beginning or at the end of each psalm have become an inspiration to see through another day.
There is no other route, once a detour, than the darkest valley in life that I too had to walk through in my journey.
The Psalmist wrote, “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me…” Ps. 23: 4
I paused and thought on that for a long time.
Then, surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Ps. 23: 6
I will live in the house of the Lord forever! That is the hope and inspiration. In the Kingdom of God, where there is no longer pain, and your brain functions as normally as possible.
Preparing for the worst:
I cannot say that I have prepared for the worst already. Yet it is true that when I lay on the operating table just before I was given the anesthesia, for a short time I knew the worst could happen.
The surgery was successful, but with it comes a handful of limitations and parts of my brain that need more attention – I will not go into details here. Since a meager part of my brain has been removed, it lacks its original function.
In the process, I keep preparing for the worst, and sometimes it has happened for two decades now. I have become an over thinker since there are certain boundaries I have to set for me. Thus, I became not a warm person, nor a lovable man.
My dependency on others raised a concern at times; I want to pay back for good, but I am unable. And the fear that another episode might occur again and become a huge liability to my family has since been haunting me.
Somewhere down the years, I have lived on dreams that are unfulfilled. I cannot give my children the life they wanted, and my spouse as well. Sometimes, overthinking became the burden added to me.
The way forward:
I did not want my journey to end this way; in that way, I started taking several humanitarian courses at disasterready.org at my own pace at first.
From then on, I moved onto taking theological course from Dallas Theological Seminary, Denver Seminary, and NCTS to strengthen my faith, which also shape me for my future ministry if God’s willing. I believe and hope the day will come when I will be able to take part in a ministry where God finds me fit for his glory.
I cannot remain consistently constant or sedentary as the years pass by. So, I wish to look forward to running my own ministry, check out here, or with a certain organization, although I still have some limitations on my physical health.
I will rejoice in the Lord, trying to fix my thoughts on what is true, pure, and admirable. Phil. 4
Furthermore, I will try to keep practicing what I have learnt during these difficult years. And in that way, may the God of peace be with me ahead and throughout my lifetime.
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