Make me more than me
Be magnified in me
Yet not more than
What I deserved to be
When we tell it to someone, it is easily misunderstood. The world teaches us to be ambitious – not contented easily although contentment is our main goal in life’s journey. Wherever you were and whoever you’ve become, there seems to be something more to it!
In parallel with this struggle, I published my book “The Audacity of Wants” on September 5, 2022.
My poems “More than Me” and ‘Never be Enough,” were also included in my second poetry collection titled “In Your Wings-2” published this year 2023. The titles itself revealed my struggle with daily life to my very core.
One fine day, I was strangely provoked by the mere thought of my status right now. I’ve spent time away from home performing a few odd jobs my peers at that didn’t. Then those nights studying losing my sleep and also tussling work and studying for a regular job in the slotted time. It was tiresome and enjoyable to re-look at the past.
However, what matters the most is my present situation – I had to leave my regular job with no steady income bothered by my neurological disorder.
Not more than me:
I’ve been struggling because I wanted to work again. I always pray and hope that this is not me. Yes, it’s not what I planned or dreamed for me. Yet this becomes me!
Although I did not give up hope, I decided that I should no longer tussle with the thought it could be more than me. Thus, on August 14, 2023, it struck me that I don’t want to become more than me! Yes, I noted it down quite well in my journal. However, in the following few days, my anxious heart broke down. My world almost fell apart. It pained me!
I must learn to be happy with what I am now. On the bright side of life, I don’t require a second brain surgery although talks were held with my doctor. I’m fine and hopefully on the way to recovering well. At least things were not getting worse!
Can’t be more than me:
It wasn’t easy. For me, working in the office/workplace was more pleasurable than working from home.
The next day I struggled within myself. I found myself to be non-achieving yet learning to be satisfied. Just then, I learned how difficult it is to live not more than me. I don’t want to be more than me.
I can’t be more than myself. Not more than the provision God has in store for me.
Not more than the provision of God:
It was not by my choice when I did not want to break free from God’s provision. No one can break free from the provision of God. I am the most favored child of him. Romans 8:35
I cannot direct my own life. The Creator and Director of my life is the Lord my God whom I called Father by grace through the sacrificial work of Jesus Christ.
Utilizing not more than I have:
Although I have very few or nothing in my hand, I have the realization that they would be enough to handle my journey on this earth.
When in need, as he always did, God will send me my needs in different forms until the time for me to get to him. And I hope there will be lots of good time remaining for me.
I already knew how difficult it is to live not more than me. I don’t want to be more than me. If there were more successes on my way in the provision of God, it would surely reach me if I remained faithful to him.
Thus, I will continue to seek refuge in the Lord, utilizing what I have, not wanting to become more than me.
