This morning, after I have done a little work for the coming days, a pensive atmosphere shrouded me. The fragrance around me aroused a feeling of melancholy or nostalgia, as I roamed around outside my room and then sat somewhere in the corner of the room.
As much as I would love to talk about this weird nature, some people called me, I prefer not to show nor completely hide this side of my personality.
The smell of dry grasses, the fresh herbs flourishing underneath the fallen leaves, and decaying grasses absorb my thoughts. Then a plethora of emotions run down me that it feels like there’s so much to learn from them.
The deja vu moment of mine is another long story that I no longer wanted to describe. At first, I did not know it has something to do with my nervous system leading to my current condition. So, let me drop it here. It’s of no use talking about it.
Pleasurable Melancholy:
Next comes my melancholy from time to time. Most people took it as a negative, pessimistic, depressed attitude of me; it’s their way of caring for me. However, a pleasurable experience also makes me wistful and I can happily resonate with the Psalms and songs of the moody music.
The feeling of melancholy becomes pleasurable as John 7:37 comes into my mind. It is in him – Jesus Christ that I found solace from time to time. The verse reads: Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”
In the Pensive Desert:
The psalm of David, when he was in the Desert of Judah. Psalms 63 often gave me solace in my pensive mood. It is in these hard times we taste the goodness of the ‘Lord God very dearly.
The thing is when you’re in a chronic condition in your prime any sort of strange feeling and thinking often takes you back or the future. And for this condition, most importantly, I need God; we often preferred to use the Holy Spirit in the Christian world.
It is not a thing of make-believe, but both believing and accepting, in my heart, what Jesus Christ has done for me. One thing that never crosses my mind, until now, is to appoint something for me to worship.
Preserve my life:
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. Ps. 143:10-11
Just like the withering grass of the winter, I may wither because I no longer have a job and a steady income. But I would like to shade the upcoming fresh and budding herbs until my image has not been withdrawn from the face of this earth.
