Selfish ambitions exist in every sphere of life. Some of us can tame it while for some it destroys or even command our living. However, taming our self-interest, as I intended to use it here, was never easy. There’s selfishness in sufferings too, which I already wrote about it.
Now, it’s time to erect memorial tombstone of my father and my brother when I went home to meet my family after three years. We did it without any hassle by the grace of God within our stipulated time period. However, what I saw there made me revisit my past decisions, once more, as I often did.
My mother had hand-weave her way for buying her medicines. She’s skilled in traditional weaving of cloths, which she’d somehow sell in the market. And yes, I’m not familiar with their small trade circle. Now, what I saw was that my mommy was past her prime when she’d weaved cloths and worked in the fields when we’re young.
Am I being selfish when I quit my permanent job to become a Stay-at-Home-Dad? Or am I just too shortsighted at the time of taking my decision? It made me think again this time round. While my ambition in quitting my job, at that time I was more than fit to work like colleagues should I pat myself on my back a bit.
The decision was taken so that my children might enjoy the warm of their parent’s love, more than hiring ‘sitters, or leaving them in crèche. It was more of a good ambition to teach them the love of God at their tender age, by me, safeguarding our love relationship. And in that way, I regret not.
However, now that my father has gone and it is time to take care of my mother and aged grandparents, although it may sound absurd, old-fashioned, and conservative for some, I can help very less or none. We are living in a developing world where everyone takes care of each other due to love-bondage as well as lack of facilities from the government in various sectors.
Should things be going well, it’s my payback time now for me. Once I was their child whom they fed and taken cared off. There is time for everything which makes me wanted to repay their love and care towards me. But now I’m absorbed in my own family, which is a great privilege though, and its affairs.
Should I still be working although with my broken brain I might need to rest a bit in between, I think we could have helped our family more. And I don’t know if that decision of becoming a stay-at-home-dad at some faraway place from home is more of a selfish ambition.
Someone once told me it wasn’t selfish looking towards our future generations. Yes, that if we succeed in passing on the love of God as it is, our traditions, values and letting them live in the realm of God’s love being not corrupted. Everything to God in prayer!
My Powerless Self:
Nothing is safe by my act. Last Sunday my son was hit by a moving minivan, as we stopped by a roadside market, on our way back from church. It was just a matter of milliseconds when it happened. However, it shocked me more than ever.
Before I could gather my sense, my son was lying in the center of the road after a thudding sound was heard. I quickly held him up in arms to see if anything is wrong. When I knew he was breathing and no dizzy feeling he had, I could only utter, ‘Thank you Lord’.
My uncle went on to say, several times, that we were really fortunate today. As we reached home, I held him again in my arms inspecting any pain he could have. Then, I give thanks to the Lord in prayer for guarding us beyond what men could.
I won’t keep on telling my thoughts again as it were too much to take, and walk again, for my weak nervous system. But you can join me in thanking the Lord for what He did for us.
It taught me a lesson: selfish I may be towards caring and loving my children, I’m powerless. I have limited means to care for them but it doesn’t mean I would loosen my grip on my obligations towards my family.
Should the Lord be not on our side; our thoughts, selfish ambitions, are meaningless. It could possibly ruin our living and self.
Selfishness as Stronghold:
While our intentions may or not amount to selfishness, anything that comes from self pride becomes our stronghold limiting our growth. Our God give more grace to the humble and resists the proud. (James 4:6)
Many times, in the Bible, we are told to shed our ways of doing out of our own interest. We are told not to do anything out of selfish conceit; but in humility count each other significant in all ways.
Doing good doesn’t simply mean unselfish if it doesn’t bring order in the house and around us. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. (James 3:16)
However, we are to do good as has been told: Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God. (Hebrews 13:16) Although I knew I’m powerless, I needed to remind myself over and over again because I wanted to live a life pleasing God.
As it goes, it is from selfish ambition to pride, to stronghold. And that’s how I’ve come a bit deep about strongholds. As a stronghold, it guarded me not to wander or take another step for God.
Unselfish Worship:
In the realm of spiritual worship, we can’t keep the light to ourselves. Telling it to others is a way of letting the light shine. If one is a true benefiter of the light of the world, they will keep on spreading it.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:16)
Delight yourself in the Lord (not out of selfish ambitions for blessing) and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalms 37:4 with my emphasis added in parenthesis)
When we are free from selfish ambitions, we can give glory to the Lord. Our selfish ambitions will weigh us down till the time we confess before God. Now I know my intentions are worthless without you. Let my worship be of selfless act, only to glorify you for what you’ve done for me.
Create in me a clean heart, O Lord.
And renew a right spirit within me.
You, O Lord, who knows my heart,
If there’s anything good left within me
Be magnified through me.
