‘Dad, you know, I’m trying very hard.’
‘Yes, I knew it. And we need to keep trying.’
We were talking about trying to be a good person. However, there is no word to describe, succinctly, the task of keeping the good and bad side of us in balance. It’s a pity when my children, like me, had to endure the arduous task of keeping the bad side of our heart under control.
Conscience is supposed to be what makes us like God, according to the serpent, as we read in the Fall of Human. That day and henceforth, it does toy sometimes as ‘free will’ in the hearts of humankind. We simply can’t keep staying in one route as the two person inside us, which is nagging us on either side of life.
Looking back, I’m not untaught. I have my best teachers for life in my own home. There’s one problem though, I cannot be good all the time. There is this will power to experience the other side of life, back and forth to be good and bad. My heart has toyed as I become more aware of surroundings through that meager knowledge acquired only at its dangerous level.
‘Come to me,’ I said to my teary-eyed children seeing their helplessness. As I hugged them, I too felt a sense of relief in me. It is the same road I’ve been through every day.
‘Daddy, the more I tried to be good I saw myself making a mistake. It seems there’s two-person inside me’
‘Oh, that happens. It is nothing new. I’ll tell you the reasons behind it.’
The two person inside me often leads me to fall. My innocence shattered, made me aware of good and evil, clouding me to the sense of guilt and shame over and over again. Yet the way of good being in my sight in the grace of God.
Victory Over the Other Person Inside Us:
Now, as they sit with me, it’s a good time to teach the compelling subject of ‘new life’ in the Savior. We talked on ‘how sin ( the other person) had entered the world.’ From then on, we lost our superiority of direct contact with God yet his unfailing still hovering upon trying to renew our broken relationship.
We went further onto the victory of Christ over evil by his act on the cross, only to those who believe and accepted his as their savior. The eyes of my children shone brightly upon hearing the merciful act of the Son of God.
‘It is here on the cross that the other person (evil) inside us is defeated,’ I declared with effects in my tonality, in the line of “It is finished.” (John 19:30) The necessary work or price for victory over sin is Done, Accomplished, and Paid in full.
Then we huddled up, saying prayers of thanksgiving the wondrous act of Jesus Christ. It is only for us to trust in him and in communion with him so that we may grow in the goodness of him. Many times it brings a sense of terror and fear in the mind of us.
Battleground -Desire:
The situation, actually, is like having two hearts in our everyday life. Although the old and troubling person has been defeated, its character has been traumatizing our heart in our pilgrimage. It is a battle we have to endure, although with subtlety before we get to live with our savior.
Desires of the flesh are the stumbling block of life. More often, we had literally justified our acts stating that we are still living in the flesh. It is my desires that had blocked my views, many times, letting me unable to see in the light of God.
It eluded me the happiness which was supposed to be mine. It eluded me good times during my youth, which even kept in the dark for some time. However, these desires are not beyond overcomers. Overcomers, with the work of the Holy Spirit, can turn the bad desires into a good and strong desire for God. Further, the gift of desires makes way for the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
Trying to be Good:
Let me take you back to a few scripture readings about desires as Apostle Paul had mentioned in his letters. As you know, from where I started, the real problem is in trying to be good and when unable to do good the reverse effect on emotion and conscience. The reverse effect can lead us into unwanted decisions as well.
“For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 7:18b-20.
I want to possess a good heart all the time. But the more I try; I have been facing troubles trying to retain my good sides. When I live without much thought of what I’m doing, I called myself normal, yet that is not a normal living for the disciples of Christ.
Even in my relationships with people around me, when my bad side took over me, it made me unable to see their good side as well. Then it hurt my feelings, which makes me feel blue. Trying to be good, by myself is useless, but with God, it is possible to attain a good heart.
Indwelling- the Way of Life:
Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. (Romans 8:12,13)
The only solution is for the Holy Spirit to take over our mind. Without that, we’re simply waging war against our mind. The two persons will be there until our last breath but the bad side of us will be subdued by the indwelling of the spirit.
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves so that you live in fear again. (Romans 8: 14)
Waging war against myself
My heart’s heavy at times,
Never let me walk alone.
Outside the garden of Eden,
Life’s exhausting without you.
You know minute details of me,
Your victory abounds everywhere.
Abide in me, O my Lord.
