A few weeks ago, an epic parenting failure left me in the lurch. The kind of episode which I wanted my children would never witness before their own eyes. Yet everything was split wide open before them on that fateful day.
Adding onto it is my worst nightmare as a failed husband for a sudden thunderous outburst of time, as the Tempest tossed my soul. Worst of it all, I did not see it coming this way!
Taking both into account, I felt like the ‘worst father’ to run a family in the whole world. I wanted to hide somewhere where no one would see my true feelings and hang my head in shame. And, with my father rested some years ago, my excitement for this year’s Fathers Day was reduced to nothing.
For a person who try to rectify the growth of our small family and patch up the cracks in my relationship from time to time, it was like a dead end for me. Everything got messed up.
The hard work and sacrifices we have had in the past seem to be blown away by the thick, sickening, and humid wind. It was these same windy days, which I once enjoyed as they uplifted my spirit. But today it was different!
However, I have this little hope in the corner of my mind which carries me till now. This time I saw the tail of divorce and resentment loosely hanging for grab. There are so many things to learn more about if I ever had the chance to go on.
I rushed to the nearest prayer cabin on the hill, but I couldn’t pray – I could not utter a word. Then I listen to people praying and invoking the power of God. Tears didn’t come by for a long time. I’m fighting myself there. My heart and my mind remained stone cold.
At last, I could only say, “Lord the last time I came here I am deeply wound physically. But now I’m wounded in the spirit. I’m crushed – becoming worthless!”
I wanted to get soaked in the love of God, which was revealed in the last biblical course I attended. Yet it didn’t happen.
The sun is sinking too slow on that particular evening. It did not get dark as much as I wanted to. I am waiting for something I have had to be renewed again.
Deep inside my heart, I also knew that it might be the end of everything we or I have been trying to build for the last two decades.
I wanted to spend the night in that small prayer cabin. However, it was too cold for me to bear the bad weather. Still, my heart was not healed.
My mother saw something strange in me. She speaks softly as always, which softened my heart. she reminded me that my prayers will soon make my heart lighter. And I have no other option but to believe her.
While in the Cabin I read John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” But frankly speaking, it didn’t enter my heart.
Then I go on to read my favourite Lamentations 3:22-24. Still, I will have to wait.
Restore us to Yourself:
Truly speaking, I am afraid that it will be the end of my joy. It might be the end of my dancing heart. The way and processing of my thoughts on the matter are not going on the right path.
Then I went on to lament as in Lamentations chapter 5, which I hardly study as I did with Chapter 3. Verse 15 and 21 of Lamentations Chapter 5 went through my heart.
There is no other choice than to beg God to let me turn to him lest I’ll perish. It must have happened for a purpose unknown to me.
Soaked in His Love:
Yes, I did wrong many times. I’m imperfect. Yet I see myself going on the path of recovery for all my wrongdoings and the sufferings I had endured. Still, it was never the end!
Moving forward, I wanted to get soaked in the love of my God. It is my ultimate dream to truly understand his love. The PEACE and HOPE mentioned in Romans 5:6-8 interpreted the true love for me at this time of anguish and shame. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
When I feel worthless, I cannot hold onto what I did not have. So, I will hold onto what I have by the grace of God.
