Helplessness

My eyes turn blurry, something unusual is coming up. I don’t want them to see it happening before their eyes.

I can’t hide it; I’m helpless right now. Somehow I managed to get near the bathroom door, and to the washroom. There, I was throwing up uncontrollably. My nerves gripping me tightly, especially above my neck. It makes me feel wild.

My five-year-old daughter saw me. She was afraid, she called her brother. But it seems to take some more time before I return to normalcy. We were helpless.

I’m on the floor. My eyes turn blood red. In my blurry sight, I could see their helplessness.

“I’ll be fine,” I assured them although I too am not sure what’s going to happen next. Yet I need, and try, putting up a strong face for them. Actually, I’m helpless!

It’s not the first time it had happened. I, and here we, have been through worse days than today. I asked them to pray for me; I’m not in the right mind to pray by myself. I’d be selfish!

After a while, my situation got better but not without the usual heaviness and fatigue. My older son offered a massage which I obliged. My daughter curled up beside me when I lay on the bed, still frightened.

“I’ll be alright,” I assured them again since I remained conscious until now. I told them not to panic nor call for help; it’s shameful. God is with us.

Pursuing Happiness in Helplessness:

In my helplessness, I won’t get a break to bargain for more time. Although it is nothing to be afraid of, it is something one can’t help to withstand. So, better be ready throughout.

Some time ago, and thank God, it’s already more than three years when I had discovered the joy of breathing:
‘The more I’ve been gasping for more air, the more or less, or even no air I could breathe in.’

I have already written in my book while talking about the joy of breathing. On the one hand, it is simply the height of our helplessness as experienced by me, on that fateful day.

Helplessness:

By definition, helplessness is the inability to defend oneself or to act effectively.
Helplessness is not fear, it’s a situation where you need to face whatever may come.

If you’re someone with chronic illnesses you’ll know more than me.

This helplessness, sometimes, left me more appreciative of life but always not!

There are certain times where I felt it diminish my existence by limiting what I want to perform or do with my life. It must have a reason; it must have been an act of love whereby I’d finally learn to fully have faith in him.

On the contrary, it is not something I would like my family, especially for my little children, to feel it and live through it by and by.

Yet, and again, the feeling of helplessness loom large; hovering over me time and again.

Helplessness is when you simply mumbled words you couldn’t understand nor did someone nearby you would easily pick it up.. And, you’re so lost you can’t begin to explain what’s going on.

It is also when tears surpassed the words being uttered terribly although you don’t want it that way.

Helplessness due to financial restraint is one hard thing to face at a time. But it is something that will simply fade away as our soul left our wanting physical body.

Moreover, once we confide our trust in the Lord for what tomorrow may bring one can take rest for the day or for days to come. For it is He who feeds the sparrow without them sowing nor plowing.

And in the hospital, diving on my experience once again, when the Nursing Attendant had to pull or push me in a wheelchair or movable bed, I wanted to help but I’m helpless.

I wonder how long this helplessness would go on. That too, when I enter the ER consciously. I had been there both ways: conscious or unconscious severely knocked down by neurological disorder.

Helplessness in Certain Affairs:

Helplessness gave you a lesson; helplessness put you in a condition to find more joy in life although in a way not desired best.

Helplessness is when you want to help someone, in any possible ways, with your might but you have never really know what they need.

When you get excited and started to enjoy the flow of music yet your eyes began to match what is around you and the brain unable to process or absorb the air of joy. I also called it a kind of helplessness.

You stand by the road willing to take steps ahead of you without rarely seeing what lies ahead or what is passing by.

Grace; an answer to Helplessness:

He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray since he himself is subject to weakness.” as stated in Hebrews 5:2

2 Corinthians 12: 9-11 (NIV)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (you may read weak or weaknesses as helplessness)

When I write about my helplessness, my weaknesses, my physical and spiritual pain I feel relief as if I’m telling it to someone. It is a form of prayer for me to the Lord who sees my heart. Further, I’m finding friends who encourage me and sometimes I encourage them too, in the most unexpected way.

Why I write?

By writing in the form of books and short articles, pieces, and poems as I sometimes hear the still small voice, which tells me to keep going. You know, people keep saying you don’t seem to be that helpless, weak or ill as you say. Yes, that’s because I found a friend in Jesus.

There’s one thing you can do: let’s spread the power of grace!
You can share my blog and books if you found it worthy!
Let’s take rest for today.
A new day will come.
In his grace, we rested.

From all the feelings of helplessness; it’s not the end!
The last chapter isn’t written yet!