This month, May, is my birth month; somehow, it was altered from the very beginning. I won’t go into explaining it in detail here. When I keep thinking about my portion of life, there have been certain alterations – some received, although not deserved, some of the routes hugely detoured and rerouted back again.
‘My portion’ is supposed to be the title of my autobiography, if I am to write, but I feel I haven’t achieved much, nor am I old enough to write it as yet.
Due to my brain and neurological conditions, I was advised to write a year back. However, trusting in the goodness of the Lord, I have tried to keep on hold for some time now. No one may benefit from reading my less-than-ordinary story.
Minimal Portion:
When we were children, my mother would slice a portion of pie, fruit, and other items for each of us. We were a handful of children to look after. Most of us felt displeased with the minimal portion we got compared to others. Children’s jealousy plays at its best. Mother told us to be happy with our portion. Mom would lament, ‘It’s your loss, I’m sorry, if you’re not happy with what you get.’
The portion on others’ plates somehow looks bigger and more satisfying than ours. Then I grew up thinking I had even received less attention than others. I need to adjust myself according to the time and needs of others.
Even now, I feel my contribution in life was minimal; given the chance, I can very much prosper in life. Yet deep down, I know these were the temptations I needed to fight because I also knew that I had messed up big time in the journey of life. I am always yearning for more.
This conviction kept haunting me, which almost consumed me, if it were not for the faithfulness of the Lord God. His compassion renewed every morning. Lam. 3:22-23
Handling my blessed portion:
I’m not enough for God, but in his grace I’m blessed. He answered my main point of fasting prayer in the small cabin on the slope of the hill when I was a teenager.
When God moved, every door got opened; it was a wonder to sail smoothly more than I deserve. However, soon enough, I did not ask him to help me handle my blessings. When everything went well, I did not pay much attention to my spiritual growth. When the doors opened, my journey was filled with joy and all hope for the time to come.
Sometimes I find my portion is too big, and I’m unable to handle it. Yet I, too, felt it meager to satisfy my desires. With the help of God, it’s a good time to navigate the hard waters with him for rejuvenation in the spirit and soul. In the process, my God had held me through the seas of life.
My Portion:
‘The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him.’ Lam. 3:24 This is one among the verses on which my life relies.
When in my teen, I went to the Lord in the prayer cabin to ask for direction. I am directed to this Bible verse – Lamentations 3:22-24. I did lose my way a bit, maybe a huge time is God’s eye, yet in his grace, he brings me back to him.
Should the Lord not have been my portion, I have nothing to my name right now, after a huge setback in the eyes of man.
In the interim, I consider myself very blessed because the Lord is my portion. I have someone living to wait for in the land of man, where there is little hope among the greed and evils of the world.
Living my portion:
It is my greatest wish that I live out the providence of the Lord, however big or little my portion in this life. The love of the Lord God is so huge for a man to live it out and to describe in words.
The living water, which I have learned from the intimate conversation of Jesus and the Samaritan woman at Jacob’s well, keeps ringing in my mind. I asked the Lord to make me a source of the living water flowing out for others in September 1998.
However, I felt it was very minimal of my role in letting the living water flow through me. It was not as planned, though if God blessed me, there would hopefully be many more good things to come in his name. On the work front, I did not make it big either, although I have jumped from one to another. But now, due to my conditions, my choice of work becomes very limited.
My privileged Portion:
I have lived four decades already in his grace. Yet my output has been less even by my own measure. The neurological condition that has developed over time makes me more or less worried.
When I am in trouble, my spirit grows faint within me; it is the Lord who watches over my way. In the path where I walk, people have hidden a snare for me. There is no one at my right hand; no one is concerned for me.
The Lord is my portion in the land of the living. He listened to my desperate cry, rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. He set me free from my seizures that I may praise his name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me. Based on Ps. 142
My Portion for the future:
I have published several books on Amazon KDP besides writing on this site. My books are often a declaration of my hope and trust in God amid deep sorrow and affliction, except for some light-hearted fiction.
I would love your support in prayer and every way you could, especially in my birth month this year. In that way, I may live joyfully, praising his name, and cheering all my way with the fragrance of hope in Christ Jesus in times to come.
The Lord is my portion; therefore, I have hope in him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Lamentations. 3:25-27
Just as this lamentation was written during the exile in Babylon, I have hope in the Lord to bring me back to him in my complete and usable self for his Kingdom.
I consider myself still young, hoping for good things to come once again. And the door to open again so that I may serve and walk to claim my portion in the Kingdom of God. It is also my prayer that as much as the Lord is righteous and faithful, I may be faithful to him till the very end. Happy Birthday to me!
