O my heart

On a hot summer day
Hot winds are blowing
My heart’s racing fast
But inside a tired body
Unseen dark cloud hugely
Shrouded the mind today
I almost lost control of me
Don’t wanna see children cry
No, I don’t want to do that
It’s a big mistake by far
In my waiting with faith

O my heart you need taming
Accept your feat yet go forward
O my mind don’t race too fast
O my Lord you saw my being
Hide my soul under your wing
Don’t let me lose you, Lord
Nor myself in selfishness
I don’t wanna lose me
I’m safe in you

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On June 14, 2021,  a very strange thing happened. It was one of those things resulting from an emotional rollercoaster ride due to my disorder for some time. This time it is almost going out of control. It was a result of the state of mind, which is fluctuating mostly. It was very unusual of me and very unfortunate. For a father to be in that way, it’s a real weakness on my part. I don’t like it. It’s an emotional out-pouring, so I feel lighter as much as I hate it. It is not me but a dark world attacking me at my weakest point today.

The news of the passing of a close relative reached us. I should be there to see his children who are far away from home in the city we lived in. They’re unable to attend the funeral of their father due to the pandemic.

In our tradition, It is in my obligation to comfort them, besides my personal bearings of the demise of their father who is close to us. It’s a condolence program, I did not want to go alone as I’ve been rushed to the ER before while attending such events. My dependency on my wife is too much.

Grabbing the key of my car, I just want to drive towards where they put up. But many things hold me back. So, my heart’s racing. That’s not what I wanted. I acted weird. I hurt my wife and my two children who sobbed uncontrollably. When I regain composure I hold them apologizing.

Although the context might differ, it is as if what the Apostle Paul had written, ” I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15

Adjustment and Obligations

As I said earlier when you face trouble fulfilling your obligations in the family, society, and church you are bound to think it over. But not too much. It leads to self-hurting.

Since no one understands our situation since looked healthy, it is very difficult to find adjustments. Many times I did not enjoy explaining my situation, people might see me as making too many an excuse!

More than a decade ago, I developed this neurological disorder, which my dear loving wife dearly takes care of me. It deprived me of certain things in life. But also got me on the ground beyond I could foresee.

No, not that I didn’t find peace in my suffering. However, as I trying to fulfill my obligations despite my -state of my being that I face things from time to time. Finding peace and comfort is totally from the Lord’s.

Dependency

I already wrote a bit about it. My dependency on my wife at this point is too much. I know my duties, I know what I must do. I love performing my duties. Be it small chores in the house, office work, outdoor program, and financially. Today it is about my wife taking care of me. She and my children don’t want me to go out by myself.

During my college days, my financial dependency on my uncle M, whose care I could not forget. Yet like most of us, I wanted to be independent. So, I started working hard. Yet sidelined for now, per my choice, and partially due to my situational demand.

I always prefer earning for my educational fees and at the same time contributing or helping to where my heart leads me. O my heart, depend more on the Lord!

Since I cannot see the Lord face-to-face, for now, I need him more. I would like my total dependency to be on the Almighty God.

Chasing after the wind

Life, as the Teacher puts it in Ecclesiastes is chasing after the wind. Nothing lasts forever. Under the same sun we lived yet we lived differently. His observations are worth reviewing, “Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind. Eccl. 4:6 “Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore fear God”. Eccl. 5:7

In my state of living, I might not be the one to encourage you, but tranquility is worth searching for. It comes from God only. O my heart trust in the Lord. It’s spiritual warfare outta here. Endure the pain you may suffer in the battleground. We will be redeemed when the time comes. Live and wait patiently.

Just before I wrapped up, I do believe there’s a purpose to our suffering whether big or small, and how we live the one life granted upon us. It is my wish I could serve more of the purpose of God on a scale designed for me.